The taxman giveth; the taxman taketh away
My brain is bleeding, but I’ve just finished turbotaxing — hooray!
The Anittah Patrick report
- My dues for Club USA membership come to $1,100/month
- Club NY State membership dues: $390/month
- Club NYC membership dues: $220/month
Membership benefits include a stable financial system, air quality that’s better than Mexico City, and a buncha other stuff. But I’ve never looked at my taxes this way, and I’ve gotta say … man, that’s a lotta taxes.
Anittah Patrick’s Tax Tips
Alright, I’m no frosted-hair Suze Orman, but since 100% of the people I know (correctly) confirm that I am rather, ahem, bossy, here’s what I do to milk the prostate, I mean, finagle the lowest membership dues possible out of my various Clubs.
- Itemize deductions. If you work from home twice a month, then 10% of your home office is eligible for a deduction. And you prorate the cost of your overall household expenses, like the jacked up cost of Keyspan, into the square footage of your desk. Or, if you have a three bedroom apartment, you just pretend that extra bedroom is a dedicated home office *cough* *cough*. It helps if you anally have an .xls that records every utility expenditure.
- Depending on your industry, deduct your cell and your cable bill. Have someone pay you $5 to model for them and suddenly you can deduct every $500 haircut and every ill-advised $700 splurge at Zappos.com. I’m not kidding.
- Get Lasik and get a therapist. If you’re in NYC, where the cost of therapy is 2-5x the allowable maximum for most health insurance providers, you’ll blow through the 7.5% health cost in no time. (If you’re getting Lasik, go to the dude at 10 Downing. Hell, if you’re getting therapy, go to the dude at 10 Downing too.)
- It’s super helpful to buy everything on credit cards. I’m not just saying that because I hawk credit cards. I’d advise this well before I started pushin’ the plastic. It’s all about the paper trail. Get an AmEx or a Citi Professional Card and you’ll get the helpful annual summary of charges, which helps you easily sum up all those meals you’re buying which you can …
- Deduct every dinner you have out with friends who may offer you a job in the future. This is where the Thin Upper Crust effect is super beneficial. My friends include former and current coworkers and probably future employers. So long as one iota of tangentially industry related blah blah is mentioned at a meal, I say that’s good enough to count as a potential Job Search deduction. Who knows when you’ll follow up on that lead? You never know. And yes, I consider, “So what do you do?” a tangentially industry related blah blah. Deduct!
Even though I gotta pony up loot for NY State thanks to Club NYC, with Club USA I’m still coming out ahead. Now I can finally buy a big juicy photograph by my friend Ms. Katherine Newbegin!
What kinds of tax tips do you have? And how should I prepare the red meat in my fridge for my dinner tonight?
